The Split Face

True awareness comes from the innerstanding that we are all born with an innate dark and light aspect of self. To hide, or worse rebuke, one aspect because an individuals perception of what is and isn’t worthy of attention, in many ways is the definition of Imbalance.

For years, I piled dirt on a version of myself that played out while I was in some of the most trying times of my current consciousness. The struggle for me was accepting that who I once was is not who I saw in the mirror any longer. And increasingly the question became “How do I become who I’m meant to be with such a dark past?”

The illusion that I couldn’t ascend to greater things due to decisions I made in my youth, was nothing short of a mental plaque that played out like a record stuck on repeat. Round and round my mind convinced me that there was no coming back from the darkness that I chose to tap into. All the while my inner knowing was trying it’s best to guide me towards reality. The battle between the mental chatter and my bodily knowing became a physical minefield of one wrong step and internal implosion was inevitable.

And the question remained…

How do I become who I’m meant to be with such a dark past?

The more I focused on the question the more I was led to a single word.

Why.

I became aware that in order for me to truly heal and integrate I had to start with Why. Nothing else mattered. I became utterly obsessed.

Why did I chose to stay in a cycle of abuse, disrespect, and aloneness?

Why did I allow my pride to get in the way of admitting that maybe I was just wrong?

Why did I place myself in situations of lack? Lack of food, lack of shelter, lack of stability, and lack of love.

Why did I find it acceptable to live a double life? One life acting as an escape while the other a prison.

Why?

As I started to unearth the roots of my soul, new emotions coupled with dormant ones began to boil from the inside out. The fire within had a fierce precision, burning down any sort of alter ego I held inside, requiring the deepest vulnerability. No longer was I afforded the luxury of dancing in the hall of masks.

No.

Now I stood on the balcony staring through the window as the masked dancers slowly evaporated one at a time, leaving only the reflection of me.

And as the reflection of myself held a knife to my neck an utter stillness enveloped everything. A dried tear stained my cheek, eyes wide, body shivering, and there it was. There I was. And for the first time in my life I could actually see.

The vulnerability of my darkness became the key to every door, every question, every answer. No longer was I wondering through the mansion of my soul searching and finding these separate characters.

Now as stood there looking back at me, I could see every character ripple behind me as we all integrated into one being. The true essence of me.

As the intertwining of the aspects of my soul began, a new reality slowly unfolded. I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t hiding. And I certainly wasn’t the same.

I began to commune with all aspects of myself at a round table making sure that with every major life decision we were all on the same page. Everyone had a say and everyone was heard. Majority ruled.

As I sit here writing this experience, looking out at the fall trees, waiting for winter to settle in, I can’t help but smile. It’s not pride but love. I love myself for having the courage to address me head on. I questioned myself every step of the way, ventured into the deep forest of my soul, and jumped off that cliff into the waters of The Most High.

I stayed adaptable, never too convicted in my convictions, and standing strong on knowing in what I know.

Integrated. Balanced. Accepted.

Fulling living out….

The Split Face